Practice Saying Everything I Need to Say
Not long ago, I met with my family members one-on-one and spent a long time talking about the things that had hurt me and weighed on me over the years. I finally brought into the open the issues I had never been able to speak about and had carried alone for so long.
Whenever a problem arose, I tended to retreat into a cave of my own, avoid everyone, curl up, and simply endure until enough time had passed. Sitting face-to-face with someone, bringing up uncomfortable subjects, and showing the sharper side of myself were not things I was used to doing.
But once I had said everything, I felt an enormous sense of relief, as though a heavy stone had been lifted from my chest.
I told them that I no longer intended to carry alone the responsibilities that had gradually been placed on me within the family. I said that if I continued to be treated with such indifference and lack of consideration, I would eventually turn around and walk away.
As I began putting into words the things that had felt so heavy to me, one person cried and another apologized. Then we took out a sheet of paper and wrote down, one by one, the responsibilities that had once seemed overwhelming to me. We decided that from now on, we would try to solve them together.
I asked for the things I believed I deserved to receive, and things began to move in the direction I had asked for.
I also made it clear that from now on, I would no longer keep quiet and carry everything by myself. Whatever burden existed would have to be shared by everyone.
A few days later, I met with a family member again, and we went around to different public offices to begin dealing with the problems in practical ways.
Even that small first step had once felt difficult. When I thought I had to do everything alone, resentment and anger would rise up before I could even begin.
But once we agreed to do it together, even the smallest bit of progress felt different. I could look at it with a much lighter heart than before.
Perhaps carrying everything alone and enduring it was not simply a sign that I was especially mature or considerate. Maybe, because I was afraid of conflict, I chose what felt like the safer path while blaming others for being selfish.
The process of working through conflict can deepen relationships and become a valuable opportunity to understand one another.